A tasty meal

Rose and I have come to an arrangement. Instead of me grousing on about how she neglects the housework and her plants, for one month I do all the housework with the exception of the midday meal and sweeping the living room floor. Rose does that, and spends all the rest of her time caring for her plants. The house looks cleaner and Rosie’s plants are much happier. Me too.

So this evening, after drinking a glass of orange juice with Rose in the back porch, I opened a can of tuna (we can get tuna fresh and cheap any day here, but I was too lazy to buy and prepare it.) I put it into a marinade of vinegar, soy sauce, garlic, pepper and bay leaf.

While that was marinating I put rice on to cook, grated half a coconut, made some coco milk from it and laid the table.

Then I roll-chopped half a large aubergine (the sausage shaped variety is what we get here), scraped and grated a lump of ginger root, chopped an onion and peeled and crushed three cloves of garlic, heated a frying pan with some oil in it and put that with the aubergine to stir-fry two or three minutes. Added water, sugar and soy sauce and cooked gently for ten minutes. Turned it into a bowl to cool a bit (we don’t like our food very hot here, it’s better just warm.)

Time to cook the tuna. I emptied it with the marinade into a copper-bottomed saucepan, cooked it for a couple of minutes, then added the coco milk. Tasted it to check everything ok (bit too much vinegar but never mind), dished it and checked the rice – cooked already. Everything on the table, called Rose and Claude.

Half an hour later, everything had disappeared. Even Claude ate quite a lot, which is unusual for him.

Fed the dogs, washed the dishes and sat down to write this post.

After the one month is up? Haven't made any plans.

Giving up cherished stuff

We sometimes have to face the fact that some of our most cherished ideas, lifelong characteristics and habits may be what is holding us back from development. It takes much courage to ask for healing even if it means those cherished characteristics may have to go.

I am talking now about such things as dominance and submission and all the activities that go with those, and which are so much a part of the lives of some of us that blog here.

We suffer unhappiness, yet may be unwilling to give up, even do not remotely consider giving up, those very things that may, in ways unbeknown to us consciously, be holding us back from escaping to freedom. The ego is assiduous in working for its survival, and does not want us to dismantle the structure by which it maintains its hold on us. We prefer to live among the familiar features of our personal landscape, and dread to bring into action those techniques which we know will be effective, in case we are led away from familiar shores and into the deep waters of uncertainty, even though deep within us we know that what looks like uncertainty is really the appearance of freedom when viewed from the prison we are presently in. Those familiar features are the bars of our prison and the fountainheads of our tears.

childhood decisions have affected my life

I have copied this story from Gary Craig's EFT site, as it resonates with my own feelings. I could be this "Ellen". I haven't asked Gary for permission but he generally approves of "spreading the word".

Note what Ellen's mother says towards the end of the piece: : "When Ellen came home from seeing you, she said 'I am very happy'. It's the first time she has ever said such a thing."

By Nancy Porter-Steele, PhD

Hi, Gary.

I've written up this case because it is a particularly delightful example of the combination of Redecision Therapy with EFT.

Redecision Therapy is an elegant, effective theory and method developed by Dr. Robert Goulding and Mary Goulding in the late sixties and early seventies, with Transactional Analysis and Gestalt Therapy as underlying theory and method. In the session I've transcribed here, much of what I do uses core methods from Redecision Therapy. This includes the way in which I explore the problem with the client; the process of following the feeling back in time to early scenes; and having the client tell the scenes in present tense and then report what she is thinking and feeling at the culmination of each scene. We discover the "early decisions"—the conclusions the client arrived at in those scenes, to which she has loyally adhered ever since, to her detriment. Then, to achieve the "redecisions", we use EFT.

This is the first visit with this client. Her mother, an acquaintance, had suggested she come to me.

Ellen (not her real name): My main problem is shyness.
Nancy: Tell me more.
Ellen: Sometimes I won't do things. I don't have trouble with small groups of friends. With strangers, sometimes. I get flustered in class. I'm a very quiet person, too. I don't talk very much—not that I need to—I could be a better conversationalist than I am. I'm not out-going. I don't expect people to be interested in me or interested . . . (emotion is evident on her face).
Nancy: What are you feeling?
Ellen: A little sad. I feel sad that I don't make more opportunities for myself. I'm passive; when I'm with people I assume a role . . . (she purses her mouth).
Nancy: Your facial expression—what does that mean?
Ellen: I'm trying to figure out what I was assuming.
There's some skills I don't know, never learned—conversational skills. How to behave in groups, social situations. I don't like calling people on the phone, asking people for something.
Practical things cause me trouble: I'm going to a foreign country and have to find a place to live on my own.
If I have the opportunity to go out, I'd rather read a book.
Nancy: How is that a problem for you?
Ellen: I spend a lot of time by myself. That's not that fun. I get anxious about calling people. I have to make myself do it.
I get flustered and embarrassed.
Nancy: I want to make sure I understand something: I'm wondering whether you want to change for your own self, or whether it's because your family wants you to do things differently, or whether there's some other motive, like rebelliousness.
Ellen: Maybe it's some of each. I want richer relationships, similar to my sister's. She has so many friends and enjoys them so much.
Sometimes I want to go someplace but I frighten myself. In the college dining hall during my sophomore year I would go early and eat alone so I wouldn't have to talk to people. I felt bad about that. I did feel lonely, but it's dangerous to sit with people.
Nancy: What would the danger be?
Ellen: It might be awkward. It might be imposing myself on them. They might not want me there.
Nancy: Remember a time early in your life when you felt that way. Just let the feelings you're feeling now take you to that earlier scene. (She takes a little time to let the scene come to mind.) Now, tell it in present tense, as if it's happening now. Where are you? Who else is there? What's happening?
Ellen: I'm on the elementary school playground. I'm in third grade. It's before school starts. There are girls playing soccer. I sit and watch them.
Nancy: What are you feeling and thinking?
Ellen: I'm feeling out of place and like everyone's . . . not watching me, but aware I'm there and not participating. I'm scared and sad.
Nancy: The scare says?
Ellen: I'm scared that they're making fun of me or don't like me or are purposefully excluding me.
Nancy: What are you deciding you'll do in the future?
Ellen: I'll try to be still and pretend I'm autonomous and assured in myself.
Nancy: Does this remind you of something earlier in your life?
Ellen: I'm in first grade, on the playground. I have a rock-collecting thing. I'm collecting rocks alone (she laughs) the other kids are playing. This thing I'm doing has a purpose so I can be by myself. I'm doing something productive so it's fine I'm alone.
Nancy: And does this remind you of something even earlier?
Ellen: The kindergarten playground. There are hills we run up and down. I don't know . . . I remember . . . the teacher. The kids are rowdy. She's lying on the floor. She's saying something like "I can't wait to be rid of these kids."
Nancy: What are you feeling and thinking, hearing her say that?
Ellen: I'm shocked. I think, what's the matter with me? Why would she think that?
Nancy: What are you deciding you'll do in the future?
Ellen: I'll try to be good. I'll try to be better.
Nancy: You made those decisions, back then. Those decisions are still influencing you today, aren't they? (She agrees.) There's a method that may help you free yourself from those conclusions, called EFT. It's a sort of acupuncture without needles. Are you willing to try it out along with me?
Ellen: OK.

We do a round of EFT focusing on "This teacher wanting to be rid of us kids." Ellen feels relief. We do a round on her conclusions in each of the other scenes that Ellen has described, the first-grade playground "I have to do something productive and be alone", and the third-grade playground "They don't like me".

Nancy: Now, think about being in the foreign country you're moving to, and finding a place on your own.
Ellen: People there will be glad to have me. There will be plenty of places to choose from. That's not going to be any kind of problem.
Nancy: Is there any other problem?
Ellen: I'm going to be taking a special course in voice—singing—and I worry that I won't be good enough.

"I won't be good enough" had of course been implied in the decisions to "try to be good, try to be better", but we hadn't worked with it specifically in that first round of EFT. We now do a round of EFT for "won't be good enough". Ellen feels some relief. The therapy time is up. I give Ellen a sheet which details the EFT procedure and suggest Ellen practice on her own, and then decide whether to have another session before she goes overseas.

Some days later, Ellen's mother tells me: "When Ellen came home from seeing you, she said 'I am very happy'. It's the first time she has ever said such a thing."

Ellen went to the foreign country, and has been doing well for many months now, without another therapy session.

Many thanks to EFT, as well as to the Gouldings and to all the great therapists and teachers whose work in the past makes a rapid and thorough result like this possible now.

Sincerely,

Nancy Porter-Steele

Have you ever ...?

This quiz is going the rounds so I am pre-empting any tagging that might come my way.

Have you ever ...?

snuck out of the house yes
gotten lost in your city – don’t have a city, unless you count this little place. Got lost in Birmingham (UK), though, when I was trying to find where I had parked my car.
seen a shooting star – yes, many times
been to any other countries besides England– Scotland, Wales, France, Germany, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Poland, Russia, China, Thailand, Philippines, Ireland, Isle of Man, Belgium, USA.
had a serious surgery – double inguinal hernia repaired
gone out in public in your pajamas – yes. Sleepwalking when I had scarlet fever. Other times, too
kissed a stranger – No. I regret that …
hugged a stranger - yes
been in a fist fight – only formal boxing while in the army
been arrested - no
laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose – tea, I think it was.
pushed all the buttons on an elevator – no. What happens?
swore at your parents -No
been in love – Not sure. I might post a relevant story soon.
been close to love – Don’t know what this means, exactly
been to a casino -no
been skydiving - no
skinny dipped – yes plenty of times
skipped school –no, unless you count escaping from the school dormitory on moonlit nights and prowling the countryside with a friend
seen a therapist –yes. Didn’t help.
done the splits -no
played spin the bottle -no
gotten stitches – you mean stitches on a wound, or stitches in my side from running too hard? Both, anyway
drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour –no, why would anyone want to do that?
bitten someone – love bites? yes
been to Niagara Falls -no
gotten the chicken pox – yes, it was a welcome break from school work
kissed a member of the opposite sex - yes
crashed into a friend's car -no
been to Japan -no
ridden in a taxi – plenty of times, in Cebu the taxis are affordable, not like in London,where £5 takes you just round the corner. I don’t know if you can still even get into a taxi there for £5.
been dumped – yes. My fault for being a wimp. She needed spanking, even invited me to and I didn’t give it to her. She was my first girl friend, I still regret that loss. I was so ignorant at age 21.
shoplifted -no
been fired –yes. Never found out why.
had a crush on someone of the same sex – yes. No girls at our (boarding) school, so we had to make do with boys. He was a lovely boy with a golden singing voice and was a great friend at school, we did many things together especially during the summer vacations. All that faded when girls became available.
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back – does dislike count? Anyway, yes, positive and negative..
gone on a blind date - no
lied to a friend – probably.
had a crush on a teacher – no. Our school didn’t have any crushable female teachers

celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans – never been there
been to Europe - yes
slept with a co-worker - no
been married – three times.
gotten divorced - twice
had children - seven
seen someone die – not sure, they may have already been dead when I saw them, or perhaps not.
had a close friend die – counting my son, yes
been to Africa - no
driven over 400 miles in one day – yes.
been to US – yes, St. Louis; and briefly, Boston
been to Mexico - no
been to India – unfortunately not
been on a plane – flying is one of my great delights
seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show – what’s that?
thrown up in a bar - no
purposely set a part of myself on fire – no!! but I have firewalked, without burning myself.
eaten sushi – had to look this up in the dictionary. Don’t think so. It sounds nice, though.
been skiing/snowboarding – yes, while in the army in Germany
met someone in person from the internet - no, but I hope tjhat may change.
lost a child – three. Two while they were babies, they died in a fire; one at the age of 37 from heart failure.
gone to college/university – I could only stick Bristol University for one year - no ambition for a physics degree. Twelve years later, I took a two-year course to become a teacher.
graduated college/university - yes
fired a gun – I have poor eye-hand co-ordination, but despite that I'm a good marksman. Captain of the Shooting VIII at school, then later for Royal Signals Catterick Shooting team. One night at school a friend and I took two .22 rifles out and wandered the countryside with them. Because it was dark we couldn’t see anything to shoot at! And I’d forgotten you need light on the rifle sights. It was a miracle we didn’t get caught, I shudder to think what would have happened. What a stupid prank!
purposely hurt yourself – like, banging your head against the wall in frustration? No.
taken painkillers - aspirins
been intimate with someone of the same gender – “intimate” meaning penetration? No.

The best birthday gift

On Sunday we were invited to the 60th birthday party of Ethel's mother. The house is still uncompleted, but habitable; it's in a rural situation, with plenty of space around - really very attractive. Ethel's father has done much of the building himself, and the house is filled with solid, durable and well-polished furniture he has made.

While we were there Rose had the chance to work with Seth some more, at his request, the same issues as before plus two or three more, all apparently stemming from the same source. Seth was very pleased and much relieved.

Rose went to their house again today, taking some mangoes from our tree as a belated birthday gift. Seth's mother said to Rose, "The best birthday gift you have given me is what you have done for Seth".

I am so pleased that Rose is doing this work. Since marrying me, she has done little except looking after the house and mothering Claude, and she does not find these mundane tasks very inspiring. She has an accounting degree, but it does not inspire her, that is not the direction she wants to go. The EFT work lifts her spirit as well as the spirits of those she works with. My role in life appears to have been to introduce new ideas and practices to people, and this is one of those practices which I have been able to introduce. I hope it becomes a source of plenty of work for Rose and useful help for her clients.

A new project?

A year or more ago I sold a couple of boats to some people who were developing a livelihood project up the coast a few miles. Yesterday I received a visit from one of the men again; they particularly liked one of the boats I sold them, a 12-foot dinghy constructed of plywood and fibreglass in epoxy resin. He tells me the boat is good even in rough water, and that it can carry ten people! In a 12 foot boat I would have thought that is overloading, but then this is the Philippines, where western standards of safety are not followed.

He asked me if Iwould be prepared to make thirty-one more of these boats, and how much would I charge? And could an engine be installed?

Thirty-one boats is a tall order. Each boat would take me a couple of weeks to make, even with economies possible because of the numbers. I have no intention of employing more men, fibreglass and epoxy skills cannot be learned in a day.

Anyway, it's something to think about, and I shall have to canvass prices and calculate quantities on Monday. I had thought I had come to the end of my boat-building activities, but I must admit there is a hole in my life because of that.