Recently I've realised that to wish something was other than it is is worse than useless. By all means plan to change it (or leave it as it is); but don't waste any thought on regretting it.
My 15 year old son has taken to smoking. At first, I was dismayed; but then I realised that if I cannot control that, there's no point in anything except acceptance. Whatever he does, or doesn't do, I will still love him, so why spend time regretting?
I recently read the first volume of my father's diaries, which he kept almost without a break throughout his life. At the age of fifteen, he enjoyed smoking and his father was not against it, in fact even sent him a box of cigars for his birthday while he was away at boarding school. As far as I know, smoking had no bad effects on him.
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Malcolm,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the clarification:)!
I'd be upset, too, if one of my children was smoking.
Kitty
Disappointment still takes time to sink in, then acceptance can come.
ReplyDeleteDearest Malc,
ReplyDeleteIt is so easy to feel responsible for a child's habits, but hard to remember that it is their karma and not yours.
Making sure that they know the effects and how smoking can control their life is important, but once you have communicated all the facts, it remains their karma.
To love unconditionally is a beautiful thing and it appears that you are capable of that fully, so the only thing left to do is let yourself off the hook *wink*
In good health,
kitten{SirW}
I understand where you are coming from and have boys around the same age. We have tackled similar issues. I disagree though. If your son lives with you, at 15- you have a fair amount of control over his life. kids figure out pretty quickly what you will and will not accept, limits are part of unconditional love. Once he starts college, the rules on this change a bit. (I tell my 14 & 16 year old that we own the air they breathe-I'm kidding-almost)
ReplyDeleteLaurie
Laurie, I won't allow any smoking anywhere on our property, for at least two reasons: : I don't like the smell, and only tolerate smoking visitors if they smoke outside; and teenagers smoking present a considerable fire risk.
ReplyDeleteIf my son smokes while away from our house, probably with friends, the only way I could stop that is to keep him at home, and that is something I don't wish to do. Add to this my father's experience (the diary entries referred to date from 1889/1890) and consequent understanding that it doesn't have to be harmful, and I am pretty half-hearted about it anyway. I used to smoke, mainly to be sociable, but one day when I was about thirty-two I discovered I didn't like it much, so I threw my cigarettes in the fire and never smoked since.
Kitten - I can tell him about the supposed effects of smoking, but will he believe me? I am myself one who habitually doubts official opinions and scientific "facts", I don't mind if my son does that too, in fact I encourage a considerable degree of scepticism! I agree with Mark Twain that "when one finds oneself on the side of the majority, it's time to stop and consider" (or words to that effect.)
Skepticism is good, critical thinking even better. However, putting on health care provider hat here, the effects of nicotine have been really well documented since 1958, but forth to the public in 1964 or so. The research on this one is very sound; it's much easier to break a newly formed habit. I have yet to ever meet a 30 year old that is happy that they smoke; but yet the continue. To each their own.
ReplyDeleteDone beating the dead horse.
Laurie