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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Why am I so interested in blogs written by submissive women?

I an trying to understand my self and my marriage here, that's all.  Anyone is welcome to add their comments.

I find some of the blogs written by submissive women fascinating.    To me, those women have exceedingly attractive qualities. My wife has elements of submission:  she asks what to do in many  workaday situations; she consents to my spanking her whenever I wish,  though she does not like it; she tells me where she is going, and if I ask, her purpose; she agrees to certain rules, such as no internet use before lunch; she asks what I would like in any situation, if it's not already known.  In the twenty years we have been married, she has never refused sex, though occasionally has not been very co-operative.    She does have two bad habits:  collecting clutter and neglecting necessary housework; but she doesn't smoke, use bad language, spend money unthinkingly, or indulge expensive tastes.  She has very useful healing gifts with which she can relieve the aches and pains of her friends and relatives. 

Yet, somehow ...  something seems missing.  There's no passion, and she doesn't seem to want any.

She does not submit with her thoughts.  Her heart does not belong to me. If I ask her what she is thinking (something I seldom do)  I will not get a credible answer.  She is very secretive with her mind.  If she seems to be having difficult thoughts or feelings, she will never volunteer them to me. If I try to have a conversation about something, I will be doing 99% of the talking.  I can wait for a long time for some input from her.  Yet if she gets on the phone with a friend, she can talk almost non-stop for 45 minutes, and the friend may not be getting many words in edgeways.

Another blogger has recently quoted this poem by Paelus, found on


Trust Me with your heart.
Place it in My hands,
To crush or caress.
Trust that I will not hurt you.
Give it to Me because you desire Me to possess it,
Not because it is My will.

Trust Me with your mind.
Place it in My hands, also,
To destroy or reshape.
Trust Me to mold it according to your needs
Not simply to suit My own purposes.

Trust Me with your body.
It too, place in My hands.
Mine, to batter or protect.
Trust Me to keep you safe
And to provide for you that which is needed
to ensure your happiness.

Trust Me with your very soul.
Place it in My hands, as well.
Lay it bare before Me, vulnerable to My will.
Trust that I will guide you safely through the darkness
protecting your interests at all times,
regardless of My desires.

Above all, trust Me with your complete and total surrender.
Trust that I will honor and cherish
your submission to Me

Trust that I will not abuse this gift
That you so lovingly give to Me.

I appreciate that this may appeal to some, but it's not something I need.  If a woman asked to give me that degree of submission, I believe, if I liked her sufficiently and circumstances allowed, I would accept and do my best to fulfil the responsibility.  But I prefer to watch and encourage people to grow in their own ways, not in some way that I have decided.  I dislike giving people instructions more than once, and I certainly will not give instructions to do things which have no practical purpose, such that I often read about on some of these blogs.  I don't like calling someone to account for sins of commission or omission.  BDSM  rôle play has very little attraction for me (I have tried it with my wife), only real-life, actual genuine situations and requirements interest me.

Well, that's all for the moment.  I may continue this theme, especially if someone adds an insightful, relevant comment.


  1. Malcolm,

    Your story is interesting and different than most. Your wife sounds like a naturally submissive woman and has been that way since the begining. For many of us we discover this later in life and it's the new dynamic that puts the passion back into our marriage. But the submitting part is nothing new for you guys.

    When we began this dynamic my Mentor had me discuss very private things with my Husband that I had not really shared before. It opened up a whole new level of communication really, just from one very embarassing conversation, and well lots after. Is there something so out of the ordinary you could ask her to share that would sort of shock her that you asked it? If you could pull that sort of conversation out of her it might help her open up a bit.


  2. I can tell you only about myself. Within the context of the relationship I have with the man who is my Master and my husband, if I'm keeping things from Him, it's generally not good.

    That may not be true of other relationships, but when the times arise when I don't feel I can talk to Him, there's something wrong that needs to be addressed.

    It could be me and my attitude, or it could be Him (yes, I dared to say that Master could be in the wrong sometimes.)

    It doesn't really matter WHAT is wrong, only that W/we find a way to sort it out.

    I don't know - this may not pertain to your situation at all. I guess, my thought is that if you've never had that level of complete transparency and openness in your relationship, it will take awhile to build it, and it will take work. And if you have previously had the openness you desire, then it seems to me something has changed which I interpret as a negative. And which, if you want to reverse it, will take work.

    Always so hard to break free of the status quo I think, for so many reasons.


  3. I can sympathize with some of what you say, though not all of it. It is nearly impossible for me to get my lizard talking about sex, although she will do most things I ask of her sexually speaking. She can be very demanding in some realms, always telling me what to do, but that is more out of habit--bringing up her two daughters mostly on her own has gotten her used to being the one who had to make decisions. But when I point out that she is being bossy, she will always try to be less so. We don't have a formal D/s or any other "agreement," I don't have rules for her, and she has not agreed in any way to formally submit to me, but she has this natural little subbie that comes out and plays with me when we are in bed. So that's about as far as our TTWD relationship goes for now.

    I would, on the other hand, like absolute control if she would cede it to me.

  4. Malcolm....i have thought long and hard about Your post. Came back to it several times, and reread it.
    The only person who would be able to answer why there is no passion, why her heart doesnt belong to You, is Yourself and her by talking.
    Twenty years is along time married....
    i just dont feel qualified to reply to this post, and i am sorry, i didn't want You to feel that i was not reading Your posts. i hope that You B/both find a way of sorting it out.
    hugs and light

  5. Sometimes in a naturally submissive woman, especially if it is also cultural in some way, part of the woman's role is to not be passionate. This is just from my observation and experience. In some traditions, a woman is to remain in control of her emotions, meek, humble and appeasing. To be passionate might feel shameful to her.

    I know my mother is like that a bit from her own background. Always in control of her emotions. Other than sometimes getting reasonably angry, she doesn't let her guard down enough to be truly passionate. She believes at her core that this is not the role of a woman, to be that passionate. The role is to serve and be selfless. She is a strong woman too, not a pushover. She does love, her love is just not a passionate love.

    Oh I don't really know. Your post made me think a lot. Thanks. Sorry I of course could not tell you as far as your wife. She sounds like a complex and beautiful woman, and having someone who doesn't push her and believes in her finding her own path, is probably a great thing for her.

    I hope that you will also find the passion you desire.


  6. I find it a bit unusual that your wife doesn't seem to confide in you. Is it possible that she is not comfortable sharing her innermost thoughts because, inadvertantly, you've put her down at one time or another?

    As a woman that likes being submissive, and tries to be totally open with my Daddy(husband), I've recently started a blog. If you're interested, I'd love to have you go look:

  7. "But I prefer to watch and encourage people to grow in their own ways, not in some way that I have decided. I dislike giving people instructions more than once, and I certainly will not give instructions to do things which have no practical purpose, such that I often read about on some of these blogs."

    This speaks to me and reminds me of my own Master/fiance. He intentionally gives me the ability to grow because he likes who I am. Why try to force something into some other shape, ne? It is the same with the needless/senseless instructions.. practicality comes first.

    That said, my mind is somewhere else a lot of the time. Frequently Master will ask me "what are you thinking?" and I have to tell honestly - I don't know. Sometimes I just float off and there is nothing in particular going on. Perhaps something similar goes on with your wife...? As others have mentioned, 20 years is a great, long time.

    I wish you luck with your development as a couple. Pleasure to meet you.


  8. Malcolm,

    i agree with K that "[s]ometimes in a naturally submissive woman, especially if it is also cultural in some way, part of the woman's role is to not be passionate."

    Just a small thought: does your wife like to read? i see that you have very literary tastes, and i realize that the romance/romantic erotica genres are generally considered lowbrow and smut. However, and speaking from the POV of one with a degree in literature from Penn State, i can safely say that these genres *do* have some quality writing and they *do* serve a useful purpose. In fact, when (vanilla) friends of mine have spoken about the passion "going out of their marriage" (and i know about this-have been married to Lyon for 12 years), one of the first things i advise is reading romance novels together. Some will be appealing, some will not...but if your wife shares your passion for reading, she might be willing to give it a try. Fantasy is always a good place to start. (who was it who said that "the most major sexual organ is the brain"?)

    i hope this is helpful. If not, of course, i surely don't mean to offend and hope you will take what is useful in what i have to say and leave the rest.

    Best wishes in Your journey together,

  9. Serenity, Tapestry, Neo Dom Tom, Saffy, K - Thank you all for your thoughts, and useful suggestions. Probably in a few days I will revisit this subject.

    Kytten, would you like to suggest any romance novels? I don't have much of that kind of book, just one or two of Ann Rice and a couple of Gorean books, would you suggest them? I am seriously considering buying a Kindle reading device and downloading books from the internet, I already download many and I have Kindle for pc but you can't take that to bed with you!

    And Kytten you don't have to say "i surely don't mean to offend and hope you will take what is useful in what i have to say and leave the rest", just trust me that I will accept your offering just as it is, and thanks for it.

    Rose doesn't read much, and when she does it's either her Law books (she's a Law student) or it's something like "Conversations with God" by Neil Donald Walsch - one of her all-time favourites. Her English vocabulary is not very wide as she has read very few books, her reading having been mostly confined to text-books or Readers Digest,

    Kitty, Zelda - what you suggest may be the reason for her not confiding, or it could just be lack of confidence with the English language, or lack of confidence that what she is thinking is worth saying; but I may never find out. I myself don't like being asked what I am thinking, as it is hard to put my thoughts into actual spoken words and when I try, the words that come don't describe the thoughts well.

    Kitty, I left some commments at your new blog.

  10. Perhaps sitting down and letting her know that the reason you ask her what she is thinking is because her thoughts are important to you. Ask her if she is worried her thoughts are not worthy of sharing. The only way to overcome this issue is to open up the communication pathways going in both directions.

    Helo her with answers she can give you when she feels that her words will fail her. if she is just kind of mentally drifting then let her know its ok to say that. If she says she is not sure how to adequately put her thoughts of the moment into words that is the best time to pull her into your lap. Have her tell you what parts of her thoughts she can put into words, and then help her find words for the parts she can't. You would be finding out her thoughts and helping her to better her grasp of ENglish at the same time.

  11. Malcolm,
    Going from her interest in _CWG_, you could try starting with Christian romance. Just putting those two words into will get you a number of options. i'm not well-versed in that area of romance writing (i've always been more into s/f and paranormal), but i do know it tends to be more subtle and might for that reason be a good place for her to start. i have also heard good things about Philippa Gregory, though again, i can't vouch for her personally.
    If she seems comfortable with more explicit erotica, there is an anthology out there called _Secrets_ that's published in volumes by Red Sage Publishing, Inc. They have a pretty good sampling of short erotic romance stories that range quite widely in genre and style, which can be a good way to get a sense of what she likes and what she doesn't like, and the two of you can go from there.
    Hope this is helpful. Feel free to ask if you'd like other suggestions...i've been reading and writing in this genre for years.

  12. Draugluin, I may try what you say. We'd need to be feeling more romantic than usual!

    Kytten, I used to be a great fan of s/f especially the more psychological stuff; I subscribed to "Astounding Science Fiction" ("Astounding" changed to "Analog" later) and "Galaxy" for some years in the 1950s. I never read it now, though I did try a Ray Bradbury recently, I didn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped I would.

    I'll look into the other stuff you mention.

  13. I only realised i was submissive around 3 years ago. Up until then i had never felt any urge or desire to submit to anything or anybody but when it was suggested to me that i had submissive tendencies it made me take a step back and look at my life.
    I came to see that i really did want someone to take control..take the decision making responsibility away from me and all that goes with that.

    When i had accepted that reality my life suddenly became a whole lot easier,less stressful and so much more enjoyable.
    I feel your wife is not so much submissive...more just conditioned as to her place in your life...I think you should sit her down and have a real heart to heart with her.

  14. I hope you will not be offended if I share my opinion as a submissive wife. I think you may be intimidated by your own authority as a man and husband. A truly submissive wife does not need instruction multiple times on any regular basis. The life I live is not role play, it is simply following the words of G-d who has commanded that a woman be an obedient helper to her husband and do his will. I grew up in a cult where extreme submission (beyond anything you can imagine) was the norm. Now I live a much freer life as a woman simply choosing a sane and Godly life as a wife and mother who submits to her husband's direction. Do not be afraid of yourself as a man!

  15. I'm not submissive because it's my deep down desire..I'm submissive because he wishes for me to be, and because it's how we best fit together- because I married a dominant man.

    He told me for years that I was not really "his" because I held him at arms length at times, kept some thoughts to myself, and didn't seem to need him. That has all changed dramatically of course. And he's happy.

    I hope you can take some simple steps to lead her and find intimacy that you seem to long for. She cannot follow where you do not lead. Best wishes!


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